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^ ^ ^ ^ ^ MY FAV. ICONS ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
  
A blonde was waiting at a bus stop in New York City. She was wearing a tight leather skirt with matching top and boots. When the bus pulled up she tried to get on but realized that her skirt was far too tight and far too short to allow her to make it to the first step. Embarrassed, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little, hoping it would give her some slack. She tried again but soon realized that she still could not make it. She reached back and unzipped her skirt a little more, but she still could not make it. Getting frustrated, she tried a third time but still could not make it. At the point, the giant Texan behind her picked her up at the waist and gently set her on the first step of the bus.
"How dare you touch my body!" shrieked the blonde. "I don't even know you!"
"Well, ma'am," replied the Texan in his country drawl, "after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
  
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all
Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend
bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team
rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides
on the top level. The Brunette team down below is
whooping it up having a great time, when one of them
realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes
upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate. When the
Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes
frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road,
and clutching the seats in front of them with white
knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're
havin' a grand time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
  
The following are purportedly a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (that is, Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
1. Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
What for? He can't see my license plate.
2. Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
3. What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
Always wear a condom.
4. When driving through fog, what should you use?
Your car.
5. What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
6. What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
7. What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
8. What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
The color.
9. How do you deal with heavy traffic?
Heavy psychedelics.
10. What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
Carry loaded weapons.
  
A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Miller and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains,
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church in Sweetwater and I had to quit drinking.
Hasn't affected my brothers though."
  
A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Miller and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains,
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church in Sweetwater and I had to quit drinking.
Hasn't affected my brothers though."  \
you have to read this whole thing....soo funny
The following is a partial list of actual written excuses given to teachers in the Albuquerque Public School System by parents of students:
1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah (*crossed out*), diahoah (*crossed out*), dyah (*crossed out*) the sh*ts.
  
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.
The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."
  
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
  
A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in."
The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?
   
A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.
"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."
  
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
  
  
we're not sarcastic ; we're hilarious
we're not annoying ; we're just cooler than you
we're not bitches ; we just dont like you
we're not obsessed ; we're just best friends
  
Friends are like television. Some are like PBS and always asking for money. Others are like the NEWS, with sad tales to tell everyday, some are like that one station with the foreing language; you don't understand a word of it but you listen and watch AnYWay. And then there are the ones like the commercials, always changes, ever-so-annoying and only seem to be there when you are bored. But every once and a while you meet someone who's like a really good movie of the week or that one tv show you hardly ever get to see anymore because you're so busy. My point is hold on to the friends you care about and since we don't have a remote control to mute someone or just change the channel, pick your friends carefully.
  
perhaps the worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves
  
love is a teeter-totter,
with shared lovethe greatest high in life
,and unreturned lovethe worst possible low
  
a kiss can be a comma a question mark or a few exclamation points
  
credits::
http://www.xanga.com/icons_crack_me_up
http://www.xanga.com/hahafunnychick
http://www.xanga.com/wow_lifes_funny
http://www.xanga.com/crazy_quotes4u4629 |
